My Mommy is gone

    My Māma is gone. I honestly thought the world would end when the Lord would call her home. I have always been a morbid person. Death has always been a part of my family. I was a child when I started going to funerals. My parents never tried to shield me and they didn't really have a babysitter to leave me anywhere anyway. I can clearly remember thinking of my Mother's death since the third grade. My Mother was forty two when she had me but it was an old forty two. She had a hard life and she carried a lot of burdens. She had been ready to go for a long time. Even though I had all the time to prepare it still killed me. It's been six months now and their are days that I want to just stay under the covers. I did not have the best relationship with my Mother or my Father for that matter. I grew up in a different time to different kind of parents. There were no discussion of feelings or dreams or goals. There wasn't encouragement or any displays of affection. Which is not to say that my parents don't love me or that my Mom didn't sacrifice her whole life for me and my family because I know with all my heart that she did. About two years ago now I started to see a therapist I didn't think I could handle my new responsibilities as a daughter. For many years I was able to be selfish and spoiled and now my parents were getting older and requiring more help. I was getting resentful and bitter. So I went for help to sort out my thoughts and really to gain a different perspective. She is a Christian therapist who really just listens and offers some opinions but she really just lets you figure it out on your own. I believe God was getting me ready to say goodbye to my Mother. I was able to examine our relationship and learn that I am good enough that I am not a total suck daughter that I believed myself to be that my Mother did love me the best way she knew how. I got to see my Mother as a woman not just as a parent. I got to see her faults and I got to learn not to own all the things she wanted me to. I was so happy the Lord helped me to do that before because I would have had so much guilt and hurt to deal with. I'm not saying that I don't wish that things could have been different I do but I was able to ask the Lord for forgiveness and surrender it all to Him and forgive my Mom and say sorry to her. It is a new world I am now living in. Some of the light has gone. I'm now trying to find my way. It's really hard because my Māma was my person. I am not married and I don't have children I decided long ago that I couldn't leave my parents. Now my brain goes back to the beginning my Mother carried me she was my connection. Yes I still have my Father but it is not the same. Although we had issues I always knew that I could go to her for anything and she might yell at me but she would always have my back. I know with all my heart that I have the Lord with me and I can turn to Him in all things but I miss her. I miss her yelling at me I miss her laugh and the way she would slap me or the feel of her hands. Please hug your Mom for me today give her a kiss and tell her you love her. Even when she is a oohing you and you just want to scream. I am going to end my ramblings now abyss it's nice to talk to you again.

movies

I LOVE MOVIES! Ever since I was a kid I have been hooked on movies. It has become a sickness though because I watch movies more then actually live life. Now I want to seperate the two it is REALLY hard. I am planning on having a garage sale in about a week and I want to cleanse. I am really into makeup right now and I can't love so many things I need to prioritize. I haven't been watching any of the movies I own or movies in general lately. I have been obsessively watching you tube lately. Another blog for another time. I can't decide what movies to sell. I had a garage sale about a year ago so I sold most of the movies that didn't mean anything to me. I used to buy movies by the cover and wether they were on sale or not. I stopped doing that. It so hard to decide do you get rid of movies you haven't watched in a while? Do you get rid of movies you can't watch all the way through? I have this sick habit where I feel like I need to own all the movies a certain actor or director made like I'm not a real fan unless I keep them. For instance do I need Inglorious Basterds? I love Quentin but I bought the movie and I haven't watched it once since I bought it. I love M Knight do I need to keep The Happening? Do I really need to keep depressing movies in my collection even if they were awesome. It's hard for me to talk about movies with people too. If we were to talk about top ten movies it would be an extremely long conversation. I feel like my top ten are movies that I can watch 85 million times. That I steal quotes from and that I can recite lines from that to me is a top ten list. And the movies on my top ten list are ironically mostly kid movies. I also have really limited myself. I can't really get into movies where people get moded or in awkward situations or it is too suspenseful. I will have to watch the end first and most times it ruins the movie for me and I can't watch it. I know I know I am a freak. I have movies in my collection that I watch just when I feel in a certain mood. I watch movies just for certain scenes. For example The Way of the Gun. I could not watch that movie all the way through I thought it was really bad even though I love the actors I just could not watch it but the first like three minutes of the movie is AWESOME! I can watch it over and over and still find new things to laugh at. I LOVE dance movies and sports over coming the odds kind of movies. I have to watch all the dance movies that come out. I don't really have one all time favorite dance movie. Sports movies on the other hand I have a lot. I will try and make my top ten lists and post them on another blog. I guess thats about it for my rambling tonight. I'm going to try and get rid of thirty movies. that is my goal. I'll let you know how it goes say a prayer for me. Good night dear void.

New Kids on the Block

     Well dear void it has been a long time. I really haven't felt like writing. I've been like Jonah just wanting to run and hide instead of doing what I should again another blog for another time. I've been following my boys on Twitter lately and I still love them I admit it wholeheartedly. I was 15 years old when I discovered New Kids I was going to be in a Quinceniera and we were practicing our waltz when I first heard Please Don't Go Girl. I was not at all popular in school. I can't say that I was completely friendless but I didn't have a lot of friends I was a dork! I didn't fit in and I totally lacked the self confidence one should have or the self respect. I was so Unlucky in love. None of the boys I liked liked me back I was pretty pathetic. I found solice in the five boys from Boston. They comforted me during those lonely nights. When I would cry myself to sleep because once again I was back stabbed or rejected. I stayed loyal to them over the years and whenever I would hear their songs I can smile and sing along. When they came back I went to there concert and I felt like I was 16 again. I danced and sang along it was awesome.
     One night I was looking on Twitter and Jon (my favorite New Kid, I know he's gay but he is still my favorite :) ) was saying something about his birthday and I tweeted back that  not to worry because I celebrate his birthday every year. I never thought I would recieve a reply. I checked my e mail that night before bed around 3 in the morning and it sad that Jonathan Rashliegh Knight replied to me Tweet. Oh man I went crazy well as much as one can when all your family is sleeping. I dreamed of an acknowledgement my entire teenage life and I finally got it 21 years later and it was just as awesome. Thanks Jon Thanks boys for helping a girl through the rough times. I will always be a loving and Loyal fan even if I do love the Yankees and dream of one day living in New York City.

Nino Qincompoix

After talking about my cousin Cris I thought it was only fitting to talk about Nino next. Now for many of you who have watched the movie Amelie you might be thinking that I am going to be writing about the male lead in the movie but I am not. He is named after him though. My cousin Cris and her sister Connie always give the best presents so for my birthday in 2002 they wanted to take me to Build a Bear workshop. To be honest with you I didn't really want a build a bear. I collect way too many things and I have way too much stuff I had to draw the line at stuffed animals. They said this was different that I would have fun so they insisted. So on September.10,2002 we went to Build a Bear at Downtown Disney. It was crazy. I picked a Read Teddy Bear because it promoted reading and I love books so that was an easy choice. I looked at all their faces to pick just the right one then we moved on to stuffing. I did the little dance and made a wish as I put his heart inside. I don't really remember why I chose a boy. Then I chose an outfit and shoes. I was really stumped on a name for him. I wanted something special. Then at that moment I heard people next to me speaking in French. Nino Qincompoix! The name from one of my all time favorite movies. Perfect. As I took him home I thought he would just sit on my bed and be another fixture in my room but that so wasn't the case. In comes my friend Jinny who knows I am crazy and loves me anyway but can't really understand my need for so much stuff. I explained to her the story and how he got his name. She had already watched Amelie so she understood why I would choose that name. I don't remember who came up with the idea but I remember it was a Thursday afternoon and we were hanging out like we usually do when we decided to take Nino with us as we ran errands. Again you would have to watch the movie to understand but there is a gnome in the story that travels to different countries and is photographed at different monuments so we thought it would be fun to do that with Nino. We started taking him with us everywhere and taking pictures of him. At the grocery store, the library, and the movies. Everywhere we went and at first it was just Nino in the shots then it was Nino, Jinny and I and then as people were more curious we started taking pictures of Nino with strangers. That was so much fun because people actually wanted to play and we had some really nice conversations with people. I think it is so funny that even the people at my job who in the beginning thought I had completely lost my mind have joined in the fun and if I don't take him with me they ask for him. It has been almost ten years now and Nino and I have been on many adventures. He has been to New York twice, North Carolina twice, Chicago, and Hawaii. Now that my cousin is gone he is even more special to me.

Cris

It's about 5:30 in the morning I can't sleep anymore my back won't allow it. I'm up and my mind is going to town. Today is my cousin Cris's birthday. She would have been the big 38. It is still so strange to me that she is gone. I don't pick up the phone to call her anymore but it still doesn't seem real. I officially met Cris in Junior High. I did not have a good time in Junior High. It was the worst time in my life. I was a total dork with no confidence or self esteem. I didn't have friends and I was punked. My memories are not good ones until 9th grade. I was asked to be in Cris's Quincenera. We are like third cousins so I knew she was my cousin but I had never talked to her. I had so much fun and I met a lot of friends. As we went on to highschool I became closer to Cris. We hung out at school and talked on the phone every night. She was always there for me. Listening to me whine about the boys I liked at the time and how they didn't like me. She made me feel special like I mattered like I was important. She encouraged me and inspired me. My cousin was born with a disability. She had some form of muscular dystrophy. I can't really explain it to you because we never really talked about it ourselves. She never limited herself by it. She never let it hold her back. She was a regular rebellious teenager. I know I must have really annoyed her because I would always take her parents side in our discussions. Anytime she wanted to do something I would bring up her parents she would be like can't you just be on my side. As we grew into adulthood are relationship stayed the same maybe we didn't talk as much but I always knew that I could count on her for anything. When she became ill I was so foolish. I was so in denial. I just thought she was going to get better even as she went in and out of hospitals. We never talked about dying. I knew that she was getting tired and now that I think back my poor cousin suffered so much but selfishly I never thought that she would leave me. I still needed her. Then she was gone. My only solice was that she knew I loved her. I am happy that Cris no longer has to suffer she is in heaven with Jesus. I will see her one day. I still miss her though. When things happen I think oh Cris would have gotten a kick out of that, or Cris would understand, or I wish I could tell her about that. I also feel I sense of guilt and anger in a way not about her but about myself. She had so many dreams and goals. She was fearless she didn't let things stop her. Here I am in my little world still afraid. I owe it to her to myself to be better. I will try and accomplish something today on her birthday. I love you Cris and I miss you so much...

Barbies

I love Barbies. I've been in love since I was a child. It makes me so angry that Mattel ruined them though. I have been really angry for quite a few years now. I am TOTALLY against her new body type. I hate that her boobs are smaller and her hips are bigger. They say that it gave girls the wrong impression. That they were striving to be something impossible. I think that if you are looking to Barbies as your model for real life then you have issues. I guess because I am Mexican I never looked at Barbies as being real because they never looked like me. I think it is ridiculous the way Barbie is portrayed now she can dress like a skank, break up with Ken, get tattoos all over her, and dye her hair different colors but she can't have big boobs and small hips. I mean if we're looking at the way society is today Barbie would have already gotten breast implants anyway. I just wish they would change her back and parents get involved in your child's life and talk to them about using their imagination going to the land of make believe like in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. If I am ever blessed with a daughter I will show her how fun it is to play Barbies but she will have to get her own because she will not be playing with mine... Thanks for listening Abyss.

Derek Jeter

I know I know I just did a blog about the Yankees and now I am writing an entry about Derek Sanderson Jeter? I kind of feel like they should go together. I guess I just feel like I need to explain to you my love for him because it's NOT just because he is handsome. If that were the case I would also talk about Alex Rodriguez which you will NOT happen! I told you before I became a fan in 1996 during the World Series but after I saw him on the cover of Kids Sports Illustrated I really began to love him. I bought the magazine and every other magazine I saw with him on the cover. He would talk about his parents in every article. He would say that he couldn't talk about himself without talking about them. He also said that he would watch the Yankee games with his Wella (Grandma). How flippin cute was that. Well that's what made me fall for him. I love my parents. They aren't perfect in any way but I love them and to hear someone have so much love and respect for their parents kills me. Then I read his autobiography when it came out and that sealed it. At that point I became a fan of his parents too. They were so encouraging and supportive. I mean at 8 years old he went into their bedroom and told them he wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees and they didn't tell him he was stupid or that it would never happen. They were probably tired from working all day and just wanted to go to sleep but they sat him down and talked to him about his dream and what he would have to do to achieve it. He did work hard and had to sacrafice a lot but he accomplished his dream. I admire him so much for that. I have dreams and goals but I don't have focus and determination. I need to believe. His career shows me that dreams do come true. So when he hit his 3,000 th hit I was crying along with his family. I pray he continues to have a great career and I will continue to watch as I strive for my own dreams.