My Mommy is gone

    My Māma is gone. I honestly thought the world would end when the Lord would call her home. I have always been a morbid person. Death has always been a part of my family. I was a child when I started going to funerals. My parents never tried to shield me and they didn't really have a babysitter to leave me anywhere anyway. I can clearly remember thinking of my Mother's death since the third grade. My Mother was forty two when she had me but it was an old forty two. She had a hard life and she carried a lot of burdens. She had been ready to go for a long time. Even though I had all the time to prepare it still killed me. It's been six months now and their are days that I want to just stay under the covers. I did not have the best relationship with my Mother or my Father for that matter. I grew up in a different time to different kind of parents. There were no discussion of feelings or dreams or goals. There wasn't encouragement or any displays of affection. Which is not to say that my parents don't love me or that my Mom didn't sacrifice her whole life for me and my family because I know with all my heart that she did. About two years ago now I started to see a therapist I didn't think I could handle my new responsibilities as a daughter. For many years I was able to be selfish and spoiled and now my parents were getting older and requiring more help. I was getting resentful and bitter. So I went for help to sort out my thoughts and really to gain a different perspective. She is a Christian therapist who really just listens and offers some opinions but she really just lets you figure it out on your own. I believe God was getting me ready to say goodbye to my Mother. I was able to examine our relationship and learn that I am good enough that I am not a total suck daughter that I believed myself to be that my Mother did love me the best way she knew how. I got to see my Mother as a woman not just as a parent. I got to see her faults and I got to learn not to own all the things she wanted me to. I was so happy the Lord helped me to do that before because I would have had so much guilt and hurt to deal with. I'm not saying that I don't wish that things could have been different I do but I was able to ask the Lord for forgiveness and surrender it all to Him and forgive my Mom and say sorry to her. It is a new world I am now living in. Some of the light has gone. I'm now trying to find my way. It's really hard because my Māma was my person. I am not married and I don't have children I decided long ago that I couldn't leave my parents. Now my brain goes back to the beginning my Mother carried me she was my connection. Yes I still have my Father but it is not the same. Although we had issues I always knew that I could go to her for anything and she might yell at me but she would always have my back. I know with all my heart that I have the Lord with me and I can turn to Him in all things but I miss her. I miss her yelling at me I miss her laugh and the way she would slap me or the feel of her hands. Please hug your Mom for me today give her a kiss and tell her you love her. Even when she is a oohing you and you just want to scream. I am going to end my ramblings now abyss it's nice to talk to you again.