Cris

It's about 5:30 in the morning I can't sleep anymore my back won't allow it. I'm up and my mind is going to town. Today is my cousin Cris's birthday. She would have been the big 38. It is still so strange to me that she is gone. I don't pick up the phone to call her anymore but it still doesn't seem real. I officially met Cris in Junior High. I did not have a good time in Junior High. It was the worst time in my life. I was a total dork with no confidence or self esteem. I didn't have friends and I was punked. My memories are not good ones until 9th grade. I was asked to be in Cris's Quincenera. We are like third cousins so I knew she was my cousin but I had never talked to her. I had so much fun and I met a lot of friends. As we went on to highschool I became closer to Cris. We hung out at school and talked on the phone every night. She was always there for me. Listening to me whine about the boys I liked at the time and how they didn't like me. She made me feel special like I mattered like I was important. She encouraged me and inspired me. My cousin was born with a disability. She had some form of muscular dystrophy. I can't really explain it to you because we never really talked about it ourselves. She never limited herself by it. She never let it hold her back. She was a regular rebellious teenager. I know I must have really annoyed her because I would always take her parents side in our discussions. Anytime she wanted to do something I would bring up her parents she would be like can't you just be on my side. As we grew into adulthood are relationship stayed the same maybe we didn't talk as much but I always knew that I could count on her for anything. When she became ill I was so foolish. I was so in denial. I just thought she was going to get better even as she went in and out of hospitals. We never talked about dying. I knew that she was getting tired and now that I think back my poor cousin suffered so much but selfishly I never thought that she would leave me. I still needed her. Then she was gone. My only solice was that she knew I loved her. I am happy that Cris no longer has to suffer she is in heaven with Jesus. I will see her one day. I still miss her though. When things happen I think oh Cris would have gotten a kick out of that, or Cris would understand, or I wish I could tell her about that. I also feel I sense of guilt and anger in a way not about her but about myself. She had so many dreams and goals. She was fearless she didn't let things stop her. Here I am in my little world still afraid. I owe it to her to myself to be better. I will try and accomplish something today on her birthday. I love you Cris and I miss you so much...